WORLD—A new announcement from God's PR office confirmed last week that anyone you run over with your car while gunning it in order to get to church on time will go straight to heaven.
Bypassing the normal rules of justification, the exception is made so that you can put the pedal to the metal and make it to church before the sermon begins.
"No matter if the person is saved or not, we give them an instant pass to eternal life," said one heavenly representative. "Now, you can barrel through red lights, run over old ladies, and plow through Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses without a guilty conscience."
Christians took full advantage of the rule on Sunday, with authorities estimating that vehicular manslaughter cases increased 4,000% on that morning. "There were thousands of cases of minivans running over pedestrians as they performed a powerslide into a church parking lot. Even a few Civic hatchbacks driven by worship leaders who were running late for practice killed a few people."
Heaven says it's prepared for the influx of people who weren't Christians in this life but now get a free pass into the Majestic Kingdom.
"We're doing a whole orientation thing where they learn essentials of the faith, like the books of the Bible song, the pledge to the Christian flag, and the Second Amendment," said the spokesperson. "They'll fit right in after a few decades of training, so don't worry. Go nuts on your way to church this Sunday."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.