MECHANICSVILLE, VA—The entire congregation of Mechanicsville Baptist Church reportedly joined as one on Wednesday in intercessory prayer, begging God to keep their teaching pastor, Jonathan Blake, from seeing the upcoming slate of spring and summer blockbusters.
“We come today solemnly asking for a great miracle,” intoned Deacon Fritz Foster to the grim-visaged assembly. “We have suffered so much from Pastor John seeing popular films these many long years, and we ask that this great burden be taken from us, that we may have a sermon, just once, free of contrived movie quotes and references.”
Blake, a self-described movie buff, is notorious in the tri-county area for basing his sermons on whatever motion pictures are popular at the time. For a time it was welcomed and many in the church found it contemporary and marginally endearing. But long-time church member Elsie Givens has had enough, she confirmed to reporters after the conclusion of the prayer service.
“When the Transformers movies rolled out, we had a sermon entitled ‘Being an Autobot in a Decepticon World.’ Fifteen minutes of the message was just clips of Optimus Prime transforming into a truck and back again. Then, when the new Star Trek film came out, he wore Spock ears and preached on ‘Prayer: The Original Mind Meld.’ One week, we just watched like 90 percent of Wayne’s World. He just kept rewinding it and laughing. No more, please, Lord!”
Churchgoer Mimi Wahl agreed enough was enough.
“I could take him during the Avengers films preaching on ‘Samson, the Original Iron Man,’ and even the inevitable ‘Let it (YOUR PRIDE) Go,’ after he went and saw Frozen,” Wahl explained. “But when he tried to coin the term ‘VelociRapture’ after seeing Jurassic World, my husband and I started calling new churches around town.”
Reached for comment, Pastor Blake would only state that he really enjoyed The Fate of the Furious and was busy working on his sermon for this Sunday, tentatively titled “The High-Horsepower Christian Life.”