WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressional Republicans struck a deal today, declaring that Democrats will get everything they want, but Mr. Potato Head will stay a male.
The deal means that Democrats' entire radical leftist agenda will proceed as planned, as long as the Hasbro toy is canonically male.
"This is a major victory for conservatives," said Mitch McConnell over the deal that will give Democrats $2 trillion in spending to do whatever they want with, major changes to our national electoral process that will seal Democrats' majority forever, and the Equality Act that will erase women from existence. But, as McConnell was quick to point out, Mr. Potato Head is now biologically male forever.
"We should be celebrating here -- Mr. Potato Head will stay a Mister, and he and Mrs. Potato Head will live happily ever after in their nuclear family with their little tater-tots, living out the American dream of one man and one woman. You're welcome, conservatives!"
"Are you tired of winning yet?"
Unfortunately, shortly after the deal went through, some fine print in the Equality Act decreed that Mr. Potato Head was actually agender after all.