WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Cori Bush has reportedly hired her own army of private mercenaries to go out and arrest anyone who doesn't want to defund the police.
She unveiled the black ops military force on the Capitol steps today as she gave an impassioned speech about defunding the police.
"If you don't want to defund the police, my private army has been ordered to take care of you," she said, standing in front of dozens of hardened, trained private special forces. "Butch, Spike, Zero, Aces, Skull—go get 'em!"
The private military she'd hired with her healthy congressional salary then went out to find anyone who didn't like Bush's idea of defunding the police to apprehend them. Many tried to call the police to protect themselves, but their cities had already defunded the police, and nobody responded, or else a social worker showed up to ask about their feelings.
Bush has arrested thousands of Americans so far. Prisons are filling up quickly, but no worries: Bush says she is holding a protest to make sure violent criminals are released as soon as possible to make room for pro-police Americans.