U.S.
Social Distancing Laws Force Nation's Crazed Axe Murderers To Switch To Long-Range Sniping

U.S.—The COVID-19 pandemic has had terrible effects on lots of people and businesses, but one group that has often been overlooked is crazed axe murderers. Thanks to social distancing regulations, getting up close and murdering someone with an axe is off the table.

“It’s just not safe to murder someone with an axe these days,” said notorious axe murderer Murdering Carl. “You can’t have people screaming at you with the coronavirus around -- that’s really dangerous. Even with a mask -- and I always wore a mask even before coronavirus, specifically a clown mask -- it’s just too big a risk to murder someone with an axe.”

Axe-murders have even tried other solutions, such as longer axes, to maintain social distancing. “It’s just too weird,” explained Killer Steve, a murderer. “Really long axes aren’t common -- they’re called like halberds and people think you’re like a medieval knight coming at them. It doesn’t work.”

Most axe-murderers have simply had to switch to other types of murdering, with random sniping considered the safest option. “It’s okay, I guess, if that’s all that’s allowed,” said Murdering Carl. “I do get to keep killing people, and I do get to see the terror in their eyes, but it’s through a sniper scope, and something is lost there. Random sniping is basically the Zoom meeting of murdering.”

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