WACO, TX—Crowder’s wildly popular musical act may be in trouble, as its star member and frontman, Crowder’s majestic and elegant facial hair, has announced it’s leaving the band in order to launch its own solo career. The beard cited creative and personal differences as reasons for the split.
A spokesperson for the bushy, glorious growth of facial hair released the following statement to the press Monday afternoon:
“David [Crowder] and my client no longer see eye to eye on various issues, such as proper beard upkeep, volume and proper application of beard oil, and the regulative principle of worship. Their conflict reached a breaking point late last week, and Mr. Crowder and his beard have mutually agreed to part ways.”
Crowder is reportedly in talks with other facial hair arrangements to try to quickly replace the iconic centerpiece of his band so as not to disrupt his summer tour, and has considered options such as a Fu Manchu, a nice set of friendly mutton chops, or a controversial clean-shaven look.