CORUSCANT—Criticisms are mounting against the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, for hoarding ventilators in this time of crisis.
“Thousands of Wookiees lay sick and dying as medical supplies are exhausted,” cried one angry medical worker. “The Gungan Virus from Naboo continues to spread unchecked across our galaxy.” Hopes of containing the virus have failed and the Wookiee Health Organization (W.H.O.) is urging Emperor Palpatine to declare a galactic pandemic.
Leaked hologram footage from Bothan spies reveals vast stockpiles of unused ventilators stored onboard the Sith Lord’s star dreadnaught, the Executor. When confronted on why the supplies intended for Jakku instead had hyperspace coordinates set for the Mustafar region, Vader responded, “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
Across the galaxy, attempts to slow the spread have led to more cantinas closing their blast doors, forcing bands to broadcast their performances via hologram. Additionally, all podracing events were abruptly shut down after news broke of famed podracer Sebulba becoming infected.
Health officials recommend staying home, playing holochess or virtual sabacc and stocking up on essentials like bacta, blue milk, Jawa juice, and power converters. Isolating yourself in a swampy bog or remote island off the galaxy map is highly encouraged.
Refusing to take off his suit, Vader says he plans to steer clear and let the Empire handle this, adding, “I don't like the Gungan virus. It's infectious and horrible and irritating and it gets everywhere.”
Thanks to Imperial intervention there are no new cases being reported on Alderaan. While details are unavailable at this time, the Empire is optimistic that their strategy will work for other planets.
When asked for comment, Emperor Palpatine simply remarked, “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.”
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