U.S.—Many have been worried that the November election will be compromised should shutdowns, lockdowns, and social distancing continue, as people won't be able to vote in person. Some have suggested voting by mail or via the internet, but these ideas seem terrible to other, smarter people.
But democracy seems to have been saved at the last moment as Chick-fil-A has been contracted to run all the polling places this November with the company's efficient drive-thru system. By some estimates, everyone in the country could vote within about a half-hour with the lightning-fast process of Chick-fil-A voting. Best of all, Chick-fil-A employees will be trained to spot voter fraud, non-citizens trying to vote, and people trying to get their dead relatives to vote in one of those Weekend at Bernie's situations.
Voters will be greeted by a friendly employee, who will show them the menu of candidates and take their order. "So that'll be one Republican president, two Republican congressional votes, and a side of Libertarian city council members?" one employee asked at a prototype restaurant designed to stress-test the system. "Please pull forward to the window for your 'I Voted' sticker and your complimentary lemonade."
"Thanks!" the happy voter replied.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.