PORTLAND, OR—Local Democrat man Xander Pollen tuned in to the Republican National Convention tonight in order to get his nightly fill of outrage and screaming at the sky, since his mother was at Bunco night and couldn't give him a ride to the Wednesday night riot with his friends.
But the man soon became confused as Republicans kept mentioning someone named "God," but it was unclear who exactly this was.
"Not sure who this 'God' fellow is, but he's probably a racist bigot or something," Pollen said. "And they even said our nation is 'under God,' so maybe he's a Russian operative trying to steal the election and take over the USPS. Anyway, there's definitely something wrong with the guy to even be associated with Republicans at all."
There were also strange mentions of something called "The Constitution," "unborn babies," and a very frightening mention of "personal responsibility."
"OK, I can't take this anymore -- it's like watching a horror movie," Pollen said, shuddering, as he turned it off and watched some comforting clips of Joe Biden saying completely incoherent nonsense and not mentioning God at all, simply because he couldn't remember His name.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that some Republicans were confused by all the mentions of God as well.