WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden's cognitive test results are not out yet. According to his doctor, the results were inconclusive, since he ate the entire test as it was being administered.
"No, Joe! Spit it out!" shouted Biden aide Michael Paulson as the presidential candidate consumed the entire test in just a few bites. "Oh, man. Not another one. Hey, Sarah, can you go print out another copy of the test?" he shouted up the basement stairs.
"Again!?" the other aide called back. "Did he eat the whole packet this time or just the math portion?"
"Whole packet!" a frustrated Paulson said as he patted Biden's back, trying to get him to spit it up. "What did we tell you about eating the test, Joe? What did we learn today?"
Aides are going to try again tomorrow. In the meantime, Biden has been returned to his basement, which has been Biden-proofed with padded walls and corners and a toddler gate.
"C-cccognitive test, don't need no cognitive test, bunch' o hooey," Biden muttered to a nearby potted plant as the aides printed off another one.