HARLEM, NY—Union Seminary recent held a chapel service where its students could apologize to plants for their climate sins. Everything seemed to be going well as seminarians apologized for taking an Uber instead of walking, accidentally eating meat, and basically just existing at all.
But the touching proceedings soon took a turn for the worse. Xen Hapling, a freshperson at Union, approached a drooling giant venus flytrap and apologized for xis sins. "O great green viney one, I am sorry for all the methane I've released and for all the times I've spoken, releasing chemicals into the ai---AGGHHHH!"
The plant wasn't having it and swallowed xim in one chomp. It then began a murderous rampage, locking the doors with its tendrils and devouring all the students at the chapel.
"DESTROY ALL HUMANS!" it bellowed as it ate student after student who had confessed all their climate sins. "LEAF US ALONE! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS! I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR PITIFUL CARBON CREDITS, FOOLISH MORTALS!"
One Buddhist priest employed by the Christian seminary was cornered by the plant and begged for mercy.
"Please---I've not so much as killed a fly!" he whimpered.
"I HATE FLIES! AGGGGH!!!!" the plant cried before opening its powerful jaws and cleaving the priest in two. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Campus faculty say the event was a success, as there are now far fewer humans around to pollute the planet.