WASHINGTON, D.C.—As if Americans haven’t had enough bad news, there are now reports of a huge disaster in the making. Apparently President Donald Trump has started watching the documentary Tiger King on Netflix and has purchased seventeen tigers, which are currently roaming the White House.
“This is worse than when he watched that Michael Bay Ninja Turtles movie and ordered nunchucks from Amazon,” said one White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous.
The tigers are now all over the White House, destroying priceless furniture and art. Even the Secret Service is too intimidated to confront them. Trump, though, seems unconcerned. “I saw this show about how much fun it was to own tigers,” Trump told reporters, “and I wanted to be just like the hero of the show -- that Joe guy. I mean, I already know what it’s like to have a nasty woman out to get you.”
Trump explained that all of the tigers were named “Tony” since he can’t tell them apart. He also warned anyone visiting the White House to be careful of them and to “yell in their faces” if they’re doing anything wrong since they “don’t like that.”
Trump is currently working on new tiger-based activities for when the White House reopens for tourism and is also reportedly growing a mullet and may rebrand himself as “Don Exotic” for his re-election campaign.