The editorial staff at The Babylon Bee would like to congratulate President Donald Trump for receiving our inaugural Christian of the Year award.
Each year, this award will recognize the Christian who has done the most for the Kingdom of God on the world stage. For 2018, we are proud to present the honor to President Trump for his outstanding achievements for the faith and the kingdom.
Trump, a staunch Presbyterian, is such a strong believer in the ideals of the Reformation that he recently refused to recite the Apostle's Creed because it said the word "catholic." Would that all of us have such courage!
Many Christians thought that Trump wouldn't fulfill his promises to evangelicals. They were wrong. Sure, he funded Planned Parenthood again, but he promised it would be the last time. He appointed justices to the Supreme Court who outlawed abortion on their very first day on the bench. He also started trade wars and levied heavy tariffs on American citizens, reminding us all to submit to the government and pay to Caesar what is his. Did any other president encourage us to live a Romans 13 lifestyle in this way? We didn't think so.
Some also questioned his character. Again, Trump has proven himself to be the real deal. While some evidence suggests he was involved in some suspect transactions during his campaign, Trump himself has denied these things, just like a real innocent person would. He's also shown himself to have Christlike anger when he's attacked for his righteousness. Just like Jesus flipped the tables in the temple, so Trump blasts his opponents on Twitter with brutal takedowns. And, much like King David, he has done some bad things, but he's even better than King David because he refuses to apologize for living his best life.
A lot of times in these awards the editorial board says that it was a tough decision. That's not the case here. It was an easy decision. The obvious choice for the follower of Christ who most deserved to be recognized was Donald J. Trump.
Hillary Clinton - This former Methodist Sunday school teacher has all the qualities of a strong believer in Christ: compassion for the poor, love for immigrants, and the desire to see the unborn slaughtered.
Ariana Grande - Her song "God is a Woman" started important national discussions about how we should gender God. A true champion of sound theology.
Jim Bakker - Bakker has proven himself to be a strong disciple of Christ by selling Rapture survival kits to unsuspecting victims.
Oprah Winfrey - Unlike many Christians, Oprah believes all roads lead to God, which just sounds a whole lot nicer than that whole exclusivity of Christ thing most Christians are hung up on.
Star-Lord - Our final runner up is Star-Lord, galactic superhero who discovered he was divine and went on a quest to find his father only to find that he was actually evil and murdered him with a bomb. Remind you of anything? That's right, it's a simple retelling of the Christ story with a few small liberties taken. Definitely Christian of the Year material. Plus he's played by Chris Pratt, every Christian's favorite Hollywood actor.
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Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.