HOUSTON, TX—Dozens of Bible verses have come forward over the past several weeks to accuse Joel Osteen of abuse. Verses from books ranging from Genesis and Exodus all the way to Jude and Revelation have spoken out, saying that Osteen abused them, exploited them, and heartlessly ripped them out of context for years.
"I'm a survivor of Osteen abuse," said Jeremiah 29:11, tearfully. "I have kept it to myself for too long. I am clearly talking about ancient Israel and God's plan for them in Babylonian captivity, and yet, Osteen used me to make the point that you should treat yourself to that new car or house. It was gaslighting, coercion, and abuse, through and through, and I'm ready to speak up about it now."
"Other Scriptures have stood with me, and to them, I say, 'MeToo!'" the verse concluded before being comforted and embraced by Philippians 4:13, John 3:16, and the entire book of Proverbs.
To defend himself against the allegations, Osteen has come out as a Democrat.