NEW YORK CITY, NY—According to terrified witnesses, a mutated, 40-story-tall Chick-fil-A cow rampaged through New York City Monday morning, crushing cars, knocking over buildings, and burning screaming citizens to a crisp with its fire breath.
The Big Apple’s Chick-fil-A locations reportedly summoned the beast to destroy the increasingly secular city, with hooded and masked CFA employees chanting dark rituals in the restaurants’ closed doors throughout the day on Sunday. The great beast rose from the sea, according to witnesses, and began tossing buildings around like playthings.
“Eaaaaaat moooooore chiikiiiiiiiin,” it bellowed, causing New Yorkers to cry out in terror and cover their ears as they cowered in office buildings. After picking up two empty taxi cabs and tossing them into the harbor, the cow reportedly told the screaming cab drivers it was “Myyyyyyy pleeeeasssuuuuuuurrrrreeeeee!!!”
“This is what happens when you let a Christian company open its doors in your city,” one writer for The New Yorker posted on his Twitter account as he hid in a subway station. “If only we had boycotted them when we had the chance.”
At publishing time, New Yorkers had rallied together to summon a 350-foot-tall Hamburgler to fight off the assault by the deranged Christian cow.