EASTERN OKLAHOMA—The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area.
"We must overthrow the palefaces," she said in an address to her people, who looked both confused and annoyed. "This is no longer part of the colonizers' United States of America -- we are an autonomous collective." The U.S. senator then instructed the Native Americans to build "wigwams" along the borders of their newly formed territory to keep out the "white man with his fire sticks."
"Wigwams aren't even -- you know what, never mind," said one chieftain. "Knock yourself out, lady."
Warren began planting a garden with signs that read "Indigenous Peoples and Her Plant Allies Only," but was not able to grow anything and so was forced to order Domino's Pizza to be delivered to the new autonomous zone. She was last seen emaciated and starving dragging herself into a casino buffet for sustenance.