WASHINGTON, D.C.—It may have looked like Hillary Clinton was reciting the Apostles' Creed along with the rest of those gathered at yesterday's memorial service for George H.W. Bush—Trump and his wife excepted. But the truth appears to be far more sinister: enhanced, slowed-down, zoomed-in footage of the event revealed that Clinton was actually reciting an ancient cultic ritual to raise ancient god Cthulhu from his slumber.
As others around her dutifully cited the Apostles' Creed, Clinton's eyes glazed over in a trance. Her voice took on a cold, eldritch quality, "at least more than usual," according to witnesses. "Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!" she began, as others in her pew shifted uncomfortably. "Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!"
According to scholars, the phrase roughly translates as "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
The doors of the church burst wide open. A frigid wind blasted the congregation as Clinton chanted louder and louder, approaching the front of the church: "Cthulhu fhtagn! Cthulhu fhtagn!" CTHULHU FHTAGN!"
Luckily, the former secretary of state then stumbled on a step and was subdued by her aides.
"It was a close one," Bill Clinton said, chuckling nervously. "When you get her going like that, you usually just have to wait it out. Just last week she very nearly summoned a Shoggoth as we were sitting down to watch CSPAN."
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