Christian Living
Essential Oils Plummet To $2.7 Million A Barrel

WORLD—Essential oil prices have taken a huge hit, their biggest loss in years. After a tumultuous market performance over the week, the oil finally settled at its lowest price in history: $2.7 million a barrel.

Women will usually pay something like $50 for a few tiny bottles of the stuff for some reason, but now, retail prices are expected to come down significantly.

"Maybe they weren't so essential after all," lamented Karen Wendy Damien, local essential oils sales rep. "Hopefully prices will rebound soon or the most essential market of all will come crashing down."

Frantic essential oils sales reps are trying to offload their stockpiles, with some even offering to pay their customers to take it off their hands. One woman in Utah filled her garage with over 100 barrels of the stuff, and now, she has no way to get rid of it. 

"It's tragic," she told reporters as she tried to sell it all off in a massive yard sale. "How am I supposed to recruit others into my downline when the prices of essential oils have hit rock bottom?"

Many women are even calling for the federal government to intervene and bail out the essential oil industry, but the feds say getting involved in an essential oils pyramid scheme would be morally questionable, even for them.

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