U.S.—All Americans on the internet have been awarded an honorary degree in international affairs for their expert opinions on foreign policy, sources confirmed Thursday.
The degrees are being handed out by colleges across the nation as the institutions wanted to honor those people who are suddenly experts on the Middle East, terrorism, and the intricacies of Iranian government. Anyone who gives his or her expert opinion on the Middle East, terrorism, blowback, foreign intervention, or the likely outcome of the killing of Suleimani will be sent an honorary certificate in the mail.
"It is time for us to recognize the millions of Americans who are suddenly experts on complex foreign policy," said one school dean in Boston as he printed out thousands of certificates to mail all across the country.
Proud Americans hung their certificates on their walls. "I got mine after I laid out exactly how World War 3 was about to break out," said Bob in Ohio. "I gave a step-by-step prediction of how this whole thing was gonna go down. Got a few retweets, too."
"None of it came true, but I've got a degree now to show how much of an expert I am," he said proudly, pointing to his degree hanging on his fridge.
Medical doctorate degrees will also be mailed out to people who give their expert opinion on vaccines, gut health, and essential oils on the internet.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.