SANTA CLARITA, CA—Creationist parents Matt and Zoey Zimmerman got the surprise of a lifetime this morning when their baby boy came out of the womb wearing a cute little mask on his face.
Jared Elija Zimmerman entered the world this morning at 4:51 A.M., and even though he had evolved into a Covid-immune, mask-wearing superhuman, his father still wasn't convinced that evolution is real.
"Oh, give me a break," Mr. Zimmerman said. "There's no such thing as evolution. This is obviously just a gross mutation. I mean, look at this kid. That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
Jared's mom, however, had other feelings.
"All this time I thought God created the universe in six days. But now, now I understand what they were trying to teach me at public school. Humans came from monkeys, and monkeys came from trees. We adapted to our environment, and now my little Jared has adapted to his: the strange new world we live in where everyone has to wear a mask until they die."
After further investigation, doctors discovered a few more mutations in little Jared Zimmerman. The newborn had self-washing hands, which washed themselves every ten minutes; the little guy was also born with a bottle of Lysol attached to his hip; and most impressive of all, the newborn emitted a strong magnetic force which kept anyone from outside of his household six feet away from him at all times.
It’s now completely obvious: evolution is real.