U.S.—In a shocking, exclusive new revelation, sources have reported to us that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh may have cheated while playing “The Floor is Lava” during his childhood.
Republicans have been trying to push Kavanaugh’s nomination through, but if these allegations turn out to be true, it’s clear that any senator with a shred of ethics left must vote “no” on his confirmation.
Multiple witnesses claim a 7-year-old Kavanaugh leaped from the couch to a pillow on the floor, but his foot clearly touched the carpet, rendering him “out.” However, the boy didn’t quit, but claimed he didn’t touch the carpet, saying “Nuh-uh!” when his friends pointed out the rules violation. “I totally didn’t!” he said. “My foot was like a million miles away from the lava. I’m still in, suckers!”
“We can’t in good conscience put a man on the Supreme Court who broke the sacred rules of ‘The Floor is Lava,'” Senator Dianne Feinstein said Friday in response to this new allegation. “The stability of our Republic is in jeopardy should we vote to confirm this evil man.”
At publishing time, new allegations had surfaced that Kavanaugh had utilized the Konami Code to beat Contra on the NES while in college