MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has hired the fierce warrior Drax the Destroyer as its new Head of Satire Detection to help the company and users at large distinguish between satire and fake news, the social network announced at a press conference Friday.
The notorious literalist will comb through viral stories rapidly spreading across Facebook and flag stories as satire or fake news using his impressive ability to properly interpret the subtle meaning of metaphors, allegory, and satire.
“No satire goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it,” Drax said to a crowd of reporters at Facebook headquarters. “I am very excited to work with this company. Now, where is the book filled with human faces for me to start combing through with this comb that was mentioned?” When Drax’s handlers explained that Facebook is actually just a website, he nodded sagely. “Ah, a location filled with the webs of deadly spiders. Where are they, so I may kill them?”
He then spotted a cobweb in the corner and lept at it savagely, crying out, “METAPHOR!” as he stabbed the “website” to death.
At publishing time, Drax had flagged every news story and satire article on Facebook as fake news after taking every single one of them 100% literally. The company was said to be “very pleased” with his performance so far.