BEDFORD, CT—Professor of archeology, expert in the occult, and obtainer of rare antiquities, Dr. Henry Jones Jr. has been suspended indefinitely from Marshall College after multiple photos have surfaced of him wearing Nazi uniforms.
“We're shocked and horrified by Dr. Jones’s association with the Nazi Party,” said Dr. Joan Snakes, Professor of Anthropology and Prius owner, who first exposed the photos.
“The amount of time he apparently spends with Nazis is alarming. It seems like every time we turn around, he’s wearing a Nazi uniform, riding Nazi motorcycles, or entering Nazi submarines!”
When asked for comments, Dr. Jones responded, “Nazis? I hate those guys.”
“I thought he’d be able to slip out of this one by the skin of his hat,” says longtime friend Marcus Brody. “He’s had close calls before, but the walls are really closing in on him now.”
Tensions escalated when it came to light Dr. Jones once collected a signed autograph from Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.
Marshall College, which has a large Jewish student population – including notable graduates George Spielberg and Steven Lucas – has taken a strict stance against images of hate on campus.
“Could there be a perfectly acceptable explanation for why Dr. Jones so frequently finds himself with the Nazi party? Maybe. But we don’t want to hear it!” Dr. Snakes continues, “If we want to create a safe and hate-free environment here on campus, we must act swiftly, without explanation, nuance, or grace.”
The suspension is immediate, with many doubting Jones will ever return.
After learning it was his colleague that exposed him, Jones moaned, “Snakes… Why did it have to be Snakes?”