MARQUETTE, MI—The Granger family’s piety lasted for just 12 seconds after leaving the parking lot of 1st North Baptist Church Sunday, sources reported. Having enjoyed a sermon on 1 Peter 1:14-16 titled “Holiness In Our Lives” and having engaged in warm, loving conversation with friends on matters of church fellowship, the family of five’s reverie was almost immediately shattered as their Chrysler Town & Country minivan made its way home.
Despite the heartfelt emotion and resolve the worship service had engendered in parents Lloyd and Mary Granger, while the car was still turning onto the main road, their five-year-old son Hunter punched his brother Taylor “because [he] wanted to.” In turn, the eight-year-old took away his sibling’s “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” toy, resulting in a high-pitched, sustained yowling that in turn caused fifteen-year-old Sophie Granger to launch into a monologue about the low mental acuity of her younger siblings.
At just under 10 seconds, Mrs. Granger responded with a hissing rejoinder that everyone needed to turn around and “just stop it.” The Granger patriarch, whose thoughts were focused on how he was going to examine Peter’s exhortation to holiness within his workplace and personal life, was jarred out of his contemplations by this cacophony, and responded with a somewhat vague, angry threat of the regret all would feel if they did not listen to their mother “that instant.”
At this 12-second mark, any vestiges of piety in the minivan had been completely eradicated, resulting in a discordant row and personal sniping that only subsided when the warring family called a fragile cease-fire on the promise of lunch at Cracker Barrel.