WHEELING, WV—Saying that the talk was "long overdue," local father Kyle Smith finally sat down with his Fortnite-addicted son in order to lecture him on his need to play much better video games.
The father gently but firmly reminded his son that his childhood time is precious, and that he shouldn't waste it playing an incredibly boring battle royale game, when he could be playing actually good video games.
"You could be playing Half-Life 2, Ocarina of Time, or Final Fantasy VII right now," the father said sternly. "Now let's go boot up my gaming PC and get you some emulators so you can play the classics. You'll thank me later." He continued to explain to his son Fortnite's many mechanical shortcomings, such as its long stretches of game time where absolutely nothing happens and its emphasis on style over substantive gameplay.
"Come on, son. You have a problem. It's time to let it go," he said before taking the iPad from his kid and ushering him toward his high-end gaming rig.
Smith's son, Samuel, reacted with confusion upon playing Half-Life 2 for the first time. He quickly began building forts out of wooden boxes in the game, rather than advancing through City 17 as the game designers intended. "Where are the other players, dad?" he said, puzzled. "And can I buy a better skin for this guy? What button do I press to dance? Where's Thanos?"
"It will be a long road to recovery," his father told reporters as he subjected his son to a barrage of treatments including Super Mario 64, Breath of the Wild, and Fallout: New Vegas. "But with the love and support of his friends and family, I know Sam can kick his Fortnite habit and replace it with much better games."