FBI Admits It’s Really Hard To Solve Crime They Didn’t Make Up Themselves
U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, local investigators with the FBI are absolutely flummoxed by a difficult murder case, since it's one of those rare crimes they didn't make up and stage themselves. 

"Yeah usually solving crimes is so easy, because we're the ones that do them," said Director Christopher Wray. "We stage the crime, then we commit the crime or entrap someone into committing it for us, and BOOM! Case closed. I love open and shut cases like that."

"Unfortunately, in rare cases, you see crimes getting committed by someone who isn't even in the FBI. That makes it tough because we don't have their phone number and stuff. We have to track all that down. It's really hard."

With federal crimes not committed by the FBI on the rise, investigators are investing in detective stuff like long trenchcoats and magnifying glasses to help them solve those really difficult cases when they don't already know who did it. 

"We may even have to stop committing fake crimes so that we have resources for real ones," said Wray. "I hope that day never comes. Sounds hard."


Babylon Bee subscriber Ethan Y contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
There are 133 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.