COLLEYVILLE, TX—In a press conference after the synagogue hostage situation this weekend, the FBI said they are still looking for a motive that would explain why an Islamic extremist would attack a Jewish house of worship.
"Please be patient with us, because determining motive is really really hard," said Special Agent Deebles McPaddycake to reporters. "To be fair, we still haven't even figured out a motive for the 9/11 attacks yet. Who knows what drove a coordinated team of Islamic extremists to fly planes into buildings? According to our best experts, these men were victims of white supremacy, and they seemed to really hate buildings—so that's probably why they did that. We're still working on it though. It's a real mystery."
FBI Director Christopher Wray confirmed that they will get around to investigating the motive behind the synagogue shooter as soon as they finish up their investigation into the motives behind the "baffling" attack on the World Trade Center. "We may need 4-5 more years of investigation to find any answers," he said.
FBI agents are also looking into the mysterious reasons why the entire country hates the FBI, but say they may be 10-15 years away from any clear answers. "We're pretty sure it has something to do with white supremacy," said Wray.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.