FBI Sternly Warns Mob At Justice Kavanaugh's Home To Stay Away From School Board Member's House Next Door

WASHINGTON, D.C.—FBI agents confronted the mob surrounding Justice Kavanaugh's home today, warning them to steer clear of the house next door as a local school board member lives there.

"Sure would hate to have to charge one of you nice people with domestic terrorism," said Agent Raymond Epley to a group of women lighting baby dolls on fire. "By all means, threaten the justice and his family! But if you set one foot on the school board treasurer's lawn, it's a one-way trip to Gitmo."

The FBI had initially declined to investigate security risks to the Supreme Court justices as they were busy planning how to kidnap another moderately attractive Democrat governor. However, after being alerted of the mob's proximity to a school board member, the FBI immediately surrounded the area with snipers and dispatched several SWAT units.

"Wow, déjà vu from the school board meeting," said local mom Katie Burkhart as she watched the scene unfold on TV. "Last fall, I went to one meeting to simply read out loud the books and curriculum being assigned to my 5th grader, to see if they knew what was happening. Next thing I know, bam! Flashbangs going off and the FBI is tearing the place apart. They always said middle school years would be the hardest."

At publishing time, the FBI said it would remain all-hands-on-deck to protect the school board from dangerous parents, and requested calls from those annoying female gymnasts be sent to voicemail.


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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