Tech
New Child Safety App Will Remind You Regularly That Bill Clinton Is Still Out There Somewhere

U.S.—In order to ensure the safety of America's children, innovative tech company Creatigy Inc. has created a new app that will alert you about things that could endanger your kids. These new alerts will show up on mobile devices to helpfully remind you that Bill Clinton is out there roaming around somewhere.

According to federal authorities, Bill Clinton has still not been arrested and is freely moving throughout the country. The new app will remind you of this fact every 15 minutes so you can stay alert to your surroundings and keep an eye on your kids. Users who enable the GPS feature will get an additional alert when Bill Clinton has been spotted within 5 miles of your location.

"We are excited to be rolling out this new app starting next week," said Creatigy CEO Brad Wilber. "We take the safety of your kids very seriously, and we believe this feature will make you and your children safer than ever before!" 

According to sources, this is the first of many new notifications to be added over the next several months which will alert you to dangers such as: 

  • Joe Biden coming up behind you
  • Rioters looting your store
  • Hillary Clinton preparing to drone strike you
  • Barack Obama giving another speech
  • Trump tweeting about you
  • Jeff Bezos attempting to hire you for less than a living wage
  • Microaggressions

While some consumers expressed skepticism that Creatigy's new app will work, independent studies showed a 43% reduction in gross and creepy things happening once the app is installed.

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