You've heard of toxic masculinity. But what about toxic femininity? Toxic femininity is women injecting themselves into oppressed males' spaces, asserting their dominance, and making males feel unwelcome. They do this in subtle, sometimes insidious ways, but if you spend every waking moment getting mad about it and thinking really hard, you can learn to recognize the signs of toxic femininity:
1. Womanspreading their throw pillows all over the bed. A key element of toxic femininity is that women assert their dominance over spaces they feel they own, minimizing their man's feelings. The main way they do this is by putting 300 pillows on the bed. It's also a suffocation hazard inciting violence on husbands.
2. Gaslighting you by telling you things are fine when they are not fine. Get out of this toxic relationship!
3. Asking you to get them a water "since you're already up." First it's a water, then they want you to get them a Hot Pocket, then a blanket, and the next thing you know you're driving around at midnight looking for a Baskin-Robbins that's open because she wants a quart of Daquiri Ice right this instant, Kyle! Or whatever your name happens to be.
4. Turning the thermostat on high because they're "cold and it's the middle of winter and it's 20 degrees outside" when there's a perfectly good winter coat and pair of mittens in the closet. A real microaggression.
5. Putting on makeup while driving. Nothing says "I am oppressing all you males with my toxic feminineness" like swerving across four lanes of traffic while she plumps her eyebrows.
6. Driving. Come to think of it, women just driving is pretty toxic, makeup or no.
7. Microaggressing your bathroom space with all her bottles and hairbrushes and essential oils. Men often feel unsafe when women dominate their spaces. When men have only a bottle or two and their wives have 77 different lotions and spices and oils and salts scattered all over the bathroom, it's a sign of white female supremacy.
8. Callously taking up all your time when you're really hungry by making you guess what she wants for dinner when she knows all along what she really wants but she just won't come out and say it for goodness' sake. This is a manipulative tactic used by matriarchal oppressors since caveman times, when cavewomen wouldn't reveal whether they wanted moss or fresh clubbed woolly mammoth for dinner.
Women, stop doing these things if you want to avoid taking part in oppressive matriarchal supremacy. Men, if you see your wife doing these things, stop, assert yourself, and tell her you just don't feel safe around her when she's oozing so much toxic femininity all over the place.