Five-Year-Old Starts 'Abolish Bedtime' Movement

MILWAUKEE, WI—Five-year-old Timmy Newman has started a controversial new “abolish bedtime” movement. In this movement, Timmy identified the existence of bedtime as a creator of conflict and decided that its elimination would lead to a more peaceful family.

“He really laid it out for us,” said Jim Newman, Timmy’s father. “He was careful to stress that this doesn’t mean he won’t sleep. It just means sleep will occur without all the restrictions that lead to yelling and threats.”

“We’re excited for this new paradigm in parent/child relations,” stated Jill Newman, Timmy’s mother. “And we’re a bit ashamed we let the oppression of bedtime go on for so long.”

By most recent reports, Timmy was up until 3 a.m. last night, banging pots and yelling, “NO BEDTIME!” before finally exhausting himself. This is just assumed to be a bump in the road, though, to a more peaceful future.

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