Church
Flannelgraph Story Criticized For Awful Frame Rate

HARTFORD, CT—Kids attending Fountainlife Community Church gave scathing reviews to third grade Sunday School teacher Mike Willis's flannelgraph story as the reenactment of Jesus's ministry suffered from abysmal frame rates throughout.

"What is this low-resolution, low-FPS trash?" one kid shouted as the teacher slowly moved Jesus from one side of the board to the other to talk with the Pharisees. "I've seen better textures in Minecraft for cryin' out loud." Characters in the story were moved along the felt board as the story slogged along, 

In addition to the low frame rates, children claimed characters popped in out of nowhere, showing severe flaws in the technology being used to relate the story. The people in the story were also "pretty obviously just 2D sprites," rather than the high-polygon, realistic renders you'd expect from a big-budget production.

To top it all off, the flannelgraph story had "really bad load times," according to disappointed viewers. "Sometimes it took Mr. Willis a good minute to find the character he was looking for, and we all just sat there staring at a frozen screen while we waited for the characters to load."

"Really poor quality control on this one. 1 out of 5 stars," one kid said, shaking his head. "I think I'll just play Fortnite next time."

"And don't get me started on the two-dimensional characters!"

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