U.S.—The National Weather Service has issue has issued widespread flash flood warnings across America as liberal tears continue to pour down unabated, increasing in severity after Karen Handel’s victory over Jon Ossoff in the race for Georgia’s 6th Congressional District.
“We advise all citizens to disconnect electrical appliances, bring outdoor furniture inside, and move all important indoor items to the top floor of your home to avoid flood damage,” a NWS spokesman said. “Also, avoid walking or driving through streams of tears, as their power can be deceiving—just six inches of moving tears can knock you down, and only one foot can sweep a vehicle away.”
“People in especially hard-hit areas should move to higher ground immediately and evacuate the area if necessary,” he added.
At publishing time, due to media rumors that Hillary Clinton is considering another White House run while Chelsea Clinton is being groomed for a future in politics, the NWS spokesman was predicting “no end in sight” to the downpours.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.