Entertainment
Fox To Digitally Remove John McClane From All Die Hard Movies

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In another heroic stance against the cops, executives at Fox announced this week that the Die Hard film franchise would be getting re-edited and rereleased with the lead character officer John McClane edited out of the films. 

"It's a small change that will make everyone feel a lot better," said Terry Malthus of Fox. "We don't want our films to spread any racist messages like that police are good people sometimes. We never supported the police and we feel like this new edit of the film will reflect that. Our films are created to support any social cause or modern outrage even if it's twenty or thirty years later."

All law enforcement will be removed including Al, the FBI agents with the same names, and that jerk Dwayne. "So for instance when McClane and Al are having that heartwarming discussion over their walkie talkies, in the new version the camera just cuts between two floating walkie talkies that beep now and then. It's a lot more subtle," said editor Edward Henson. 

"Also, that iconic scene when John is in the vent with a lighter—now there's a just a lighter floating around in an air vent," the editor added.

Fox says the films will still offer all the same action-packed laughs and thrill but will be 100% cop free, as producers say they were always intended to be.

While no specific dates have been given, Fox says the new versions of the Die Hard films should be available in time for Christmas viewing.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 76 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.