U.S.—Move over, Apple Pay! Gas stations across the country have introduced an even more convenient way to pay to fill up your car: a handy slot where you can insert an arm or leg in order to trade it for a gallon of gas.
Arms or legs can be inserted into the receptacle, which will then scan the limb. When it's been verified as an actual human arm or leg, payment will be accepted, and a high-powered laser will instantly slice off the piece of your body. You will then be allowed to get one gallon of gas.
"This is a great alternative for Americans who can't afford to pay these rapidly inflating gas prices," said one financial analyst. "Not everyone has six or seven dollars lying around in order to make it to work. But do you know what most Americans have? Limbs. So this is really handy. Heh! Handy. I didn't even mean to do that."
Some commentators believe this will really give Americans a leg up when it comes to affording gas, who often can't foot the bill. Many wanted to point the finger at Joe Biden when it comes to prices rising hand over fist, but others said that's just grasping at straws. Either way, Americans are getting a real kick out of this new system, elbowing each other out of the way to be the first within arm's reach of one of these new payment kiosks.
"I love this new payment option," said Cindy Graham of Los Angeles as she gave up both of her arms to put a couple of gallons in her Prius. "Though, I guess I'll only be able to use it.... two more times. Anyway, I'm really excited. High five!" She had forgotten.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!