SACRAMENTO, CA—While many Californians are growing increasingly worried about the wildfires spreading throughout the state, Governor Gavin Newsom assured everyone that the fires are actually "mostly peaceful."
"The fires are mostly peaceful, mostly calm -- nothing to worry about," Newsom said as the fires burned through thousands of acres of forest behind him. "They are peaceful infernos and will definitely not burn your house down or anything. We're fine here, everything's fine here. How are you?"
Newsom also pointed out that fires were here before humans, and so in a way, we stole the land from fires, and the indigenous infernos are just taking the reparations they are due. "If a peaceful fire approaches your home, do not fight back. That would be racist. Allow it to consume your home -- peacefully, of course -- if you are a true ally of indigenous blazes everywhere."
"Just remember -- this is fine."