SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, California governor Gavin Newsom was recently seen by several witnesses in a dark back alley throwing a gorilla suit and a carton of rotten eggs in the trash.
The Newsom campaign released a statement assuring the public these things had absolutely nothing to do with the woman wearing a gorilla mask who threw eggs at Larry Elder the other day.
"Yeah, nothing unusual about this," said Newsom to curious onlookers. "This is just my weekly trip to the garbage to throw away eggs and gorilla suits. I like dressing as a gorilla sometimes, ok? Nothing weird about that! Plus, I like to buy a new one each week so I'm always wearing a fresh one. Totally normal!"
An anonymous source within the campaign claimed that Newsom had planned a racist attack on Larry Elder, but a crazy lady near a homeless camp had stolen his thunder, and he had to think of something else.
"Nope! Nothin' like that!" Newsom confirmed to reporters. "Vote for me! Because, you know... just vote for me, ok?" Newsom then dove through a window and ran out of sight.