BEIJING—General Mark Milley was heard last night riding through the streets of Beijing, desperately warning the Chinese with the clarion call, "The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!!"
"Hey look, those Chinese generals are my buddies, they deserve fair warning—I've known them for ten years now, and they are always so nice to me. They were super supportive about that whole Afghanistan withdrawal thing—those friendships are more important than some job," explained General Milley, America's highest-ranking military officer.
"I mean—they aren't close friends, we don't get together for poker or anything. But we do sometimes exchange funny memes and nuclear codes. We also play that game 'Battleship', but I use the actual coordinates of the 7th fleet, which adds that element of realism which makes it more fun."
Several members of the media, military and those with objective neurons in their brains saw the midnight ride differently, accusing the General of treason. While admitting that factually he totally committed treason, General Milley defended his actions as morally correct. "You all think this is so clear-cut, like there is some clear chain of command we are supposed to follow in the military. It's not that simple," said General Milley. "What if you had a commander who ordered an airstrike against terrorists who kept people in concentration camps, but that felt kind of rash to you? And what if those terrorists had just sent you a hilarious cat .gif? Put yourself in my shoes."
"It sure is easy to cast stones from the peanut gallery out there. But someday, a President is going to come along that is angry, rash, incompetent, and borderline demented, and that President is going to make an enormous mess out of a military operation leading to the deaths of many Americans," he said angrily. "Hopefully that day never comes."
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.