WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that instantly ended the riots across the country and solved the armed forces' recruitment problem, President Donald Trump criticized the endless wars of the U.S. military.
After Trump blasted the military-industrial complex, millions of progressives rushed to their local recruitment center to sign up for the military. The move ended riots across the nation as progressives no longer had time to burn down American cities, instead getting shipped across the ocean to burn down foreign cities.
"If Orange Man says the military-industrial complex is bad, I'm all for it!" shouted one rioter, laying down his brick and rushing to his local Army Recruitment Center. "Hooah!"
"Forget Molotovs -- I'm gonna lob some grenades!" cried one Antifa member, dousing his Molotov, apologizing to Portland police officers, and running to the Marines Recruitment Center nearby. "Semper Fi!"
"The military is bad. Terrible!" Trump said, forcing liberals to take the opposite position, defend the military, and sign up to serve their country. The move is being called "4D chess," "5D checkers," and "7D Settlers of Catan."
The first mission for those who signed up for Space Force will be to explore the sun, Trump announced Tuesday.