MEXICO—Raising his arms and staff high above his head, a robed George Soros vowed to lead the thousands-strong migrant caravan marching toward the United States into the Promised Land of America.
While the people were initially reluctant to make the long journey on foot, Soros encouraged them with inspiring words, miraculous signs, and lots of money.
Adversity came quickly after the group left on its long exodus. When confronted by Mexican authorities, Soros shouted, "Let my people go!" and threw bags of money at the police, who then left the caravan alone, causing the group's faith in their leader to increase.
Soros has also reportedly parted several rushing rivers and one large lake, allowing the caravan to move forward on dry land, drowning pursuing authorities behind him as the waves came crashing back down.
Early this morning, the caravan ran out of food, causing grumbling. "We should have stayed in Guatemala," said one migrant. But Soros urged his followers not to lose heart and used his vast wealth and connections to have gourmet meals dropped from a helicopter each morning. The caravan also ran out of water, but Soros was able to use his iPhone to call in for more after hitting it against a rock several times in an attempt to get service out in the middle of nowhere.
"We will yet see the Promised Land!" he assured his followers as they marched on through the wilderness.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.