GETTYSBURG, PA—President Biden issued an executive order today instructing the National Park Service to begin tearing down all the monuments at Gettysburg National Military Park so they can be replaced with memorials to all the millions killed by Republican laws asking people to show ID to vote.
"These new voting laws are way more deadly than the Civil War ever was," Biden said during a press conference announcing the new executive order. "We need to make sure we remember all those killed by Republicans' murderous laws asking people to show ID and mail in their ballots in a reasonable timeframe."
Monuments will include large marble renderings of polling places and ballot boxes. Plaques will invite visitors to the hallowed Voting Law Memorial National Park to reflect on the millions of people literally murdered by Republicans who want them to show a photo ID to confirm the person casting the vote is legally allowed to vote.
"This will be a sacred ground for future generations to reflect on how bad these laws are."
One reporter questioned whether Biden's math was accurate, since "it seems unlikely that these laws are as bad of an attack on democracy as the Civil War was," but Biden snapped back, calling the reporter a "no-good, snot-nosed Pomeranian baby" and reminding him that he knows this is worse than the Civil War, since he has lived through both.