PAWTUCKET, RI—Hasbro announced today the replacement of its popular G.I. Joe action figure with an updated version that's much more fitting in the current year: G.I. Pat, a genderless take on the action hero.
After public outcry over the extremely masculine G.I. Joe, Hasbro finally caved and agreed to remove the super-macho action hero from store shelves.
"Now you know your gender identity -- and knowing is half the battle!" shouts an actor playing G.I. Pat in a commercial for the new toy as he struggles to light a Molotov cocktail and picks up a brick with the utmost effort. "Now let's go murder some cops!"
G.I. Pat comes with a Molotov cocktail, a brick, and a cute miniature copy of The Communist Manifesto. You can accessorize your G.I. Pat with genderless clothes, androgynous accessories, and fun equipment like smartphones that just play asinine TikTok videos and social justice lectures all day for your miniature action hero.
Conservatives immediately complained on social media, screaming that losing G.I. Joe would signal the end of the Republic. Hasbro then flip-flopped, caving to conservatives and announcing G.I. Joe would be made even more masculine under the new brand "MISTER HE-MAN G.I. JOE MURDER YOUR FACE ARMY MAN."