VATICAN—Amid the international controversy surrounding Catholic priests blessing same-sex unions, Pope Francis decided to explore the archives and consult an ancient book called the Bible to make sure he was getting it right.
"Whew, it's been a little while since I opened up this bad boy!" he said. "Let me see here..."
As soon as he opened up the book, a massive cloud of dust and debris catapulted off the cover, out the window, and into the clear Vatican sky.
"Mamma Mia!" exclaimed several onlookers. "The Holy Father! He's reading the Bible!"
The dust continued to rise into the sky, obscuring the sun and causing thousands of local residents to gasp for breath.
"Why didn't he warn us he was going to open the book?" people cried as they scattered in all directions, trying to avoid what was now a powerful sandstorm heading their way.
The Pope read the book for a while, and after determining none of the teachings had changed since he last opened it, put it back on the shelf and announced the Catholic church would not be changing its doctrine-- at least until the Pope announces the meanings of the words have changed in light of modern interpretation.
"Maybe next year," said Francis.