World
God To Reboot Timeline

WORLD—Upon observing recent events such as President Trump's crass name-calling on Twitter, violent groups like Antifa and white supremacists clashing across the country, and other general silliness, the Lord Almighty announced Wednesday He is planning a "full reboot" of the world's timeline.

The timeline will be rebooted in a "major crossover event," according to heavenly representatives. They've nicknamed the upcoming cataclysmic refresh as "Crisis on Earth One."

"God's totally sovereign and can do whatever He wants, obviously," said one rep. "So He's thinking He'll just turn the whole thing off and turn it back on again, you know—start from scratch."

On the chopping block for the Earth reboot are various failed human experiments, such as communism, democracy, and the Pontiac Aztek, according to insiders. "Pineapple pizza obviously isn't going to make the cut in the refresh," they said. Sources also hinted that Zack Snyder won't be allowed to touch DC's cinematic universe after the hard reset, and that Twitter and Facebook will never have been invented at all.

"President Trump's a goner. Obama too. Probably Clinton and the Bushes—we're not sure how far back we're gonna have to go to set the presidents right, but pretty far, we're thinking—maybe all the way to Washington," they said of the Lord's plans for America in the reboot.

In order to reset the timeline, the Lord has reportedly hired a "Mr. Allen" to go back in time and meddle in events until things get back on track.

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