WASHINGTON, D.C.—Inspired by the near-impossible loss of an Alabama Senate seat to a liberal Democrat, the Republican Party Wednesday unveiled a sweeping new plan to lose all of its Senate seats within the next four years.
Laying the groundwork for the plan, the GOP will select a slate of horrible candidates they will support from the primaries all the way through the final tally, no matter what awful revelations about their past come to light.
“If we just continue picking and backing terrible candidates, we’ll be sure to hit our goal,” RNC chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel said in an exclusive interview on Fox News. “We’ll stand by them all the way from the time they’re nominated through the moment we lose the Senate seat we could easily have won with any half-decent candidate.”
“This is the start of a big new relaunch for the GOP, in which we’ll alienate all of our constituents and lose all of our clout in absolutely no time at all,” she added.
According to inside sources, the Republicans have already floated several candidates to begin their devastating Senate loss campaign, with surefire losers like a resurrected zombie Adolf Hitler, comedian Carrot Top, and a half-eaten bag of pork rinds all getting full GOP support for Senate races in the coming years.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.