Health U.S.
Government Announces Lockdown Of All Fast-Food Restaurants To Prevent Heart Disease

U.S.—State governments across America have responded with decisive action after startling reports surfaced that heart disease kills hundreds of thousands every year. In order to save lives, states have ordered all fast-food restaurants to close until we can flatten the curve of heart disease. 

When asked for comment, Governor Cuomo looked up from his Double Baconator with fries and said, "Mmfph...Mmm...yeah, there is a health crisis in this country, and the government has the power to stop it. Closing all fast food restaurants to the general public is a good first step. Of course, we would have to exempt the Wendy's in our building. I have to eat lunch somewhere after all!" 

"Although this will cost us millions of jobs, it's a small price to pay to save so many lives. If it even saves one life, it would be worth it," said Gavin Newsom as he munched on Animal Style Fries from In-N-Out. "We need to flatten the curve! Of course, this In-N-Out will remain open for me and the other government workers downtown.  I mean, have you ever had these burgers? Mmmmmm!" 

According to sources, fast food restaurants are not the only groups in danger. States are also looking into statewide bans on Italian moms cooking and suburban dads grilling. Olive Garden will even be required to change their "unlimited salad and breadsticks" deal to "unlimited salad without dressing."

The millions of people spared from heart disease are now projected to die from withdrawals instead.

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