Home > Politics > Governor Whitmer Orders Citizens To Barbecue Indoors
Politics
Governor Whitmer Orders Citizens To Barbecue Indoors

LANSING, MI—Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has ordered all citizens to barbecue indoors this Memorial Day.

The executive order restricts all Memorial Day barbecue celebrations to inside only.

"You're more than welcome to celebrate your freedoms with a barbecue as long as you don't go outside," she said, wagging her finger like a school teacher. "Naughty boys and girls hold barbecues outdoors where the big, scary coronavirus can get them. Good boys and girls barbecue inside where it is safe." 

Anyone who disobeys the order will be put on time-out and sent to bed without any dessert. Those who continually disobey will be grounded and have their Nintendo privileges taken away.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed this restriction would likely be extended through Labor Day 2025.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 31 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.