PORTLAND, OR—It's that time of year where houses, churches, and businesses around the neighborhood begin opening up their haunted houses for those seeking a good fright.
One haunted house in Portland is promising progressives the scariest experience of all: a tour of a regular conservative guy's home. The home contains a sizable collection of guns, several Bibles, a few American flags, some pictures of Ronald Reagan, and of course, a copy of the Constitution.
"I can't look!" screamed one progressive as he opened one door and saw a hunting rifle. "Ahhhhh!!!" He ran from the house screaming, taking shelter in a nearby yoga studio.
The haunted house's owner, Bob Larson, told reporters he saw an opportunity to make a little bit of cash and ran with it. "I didn't really even change anything," he said, shrugging, as he turned Fox News up to full blast to add a spooky atmosphere and started cleaning one of his handguns. "I just sit here and watch my favorite Fox News hosts and they all walk through the house, screaming in fright."
No progressive has currently made it through more than a few rooms in the house, as they usually run screaming or dive out a window in their hurry to get away.
In the haunted house's scariest room, the attic, there's a copy of the Constitution hanging on the wall. As guests slowly approach the frightening document, a hidden speaker begins reading it out loud in the voice of George W. Bush. One progressive died on the spot of a heart attack.
Larson's haunted house did give one of his entrepreneurial progressive neighbors an idea, however, and the liberal has opened a haunted house for conservatives that's just a gay person standing there doing nothing.