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Here at the Babylon Bee, we enjoy perfect marriages with our smokin' hot wives. We understand not everyone is perfect though-- sometimes you get into arguments with your wife. (Haha! Noob!)
To help you navigate these difficult talks, be sure to follow these expert arguing tips from the marriage experts at The Bee.
1. As soon as you start arguing, take off your shirt to distract her with your greek god body: She will immediately be overcome with desire and completely forget that she's mad at you.
2. Use cold, hard reason meticulously explained and re-explained: Using logic and reason in an argument with your wife will help her immediately understand how ridiculous she's being. Problem solved!
3. Ask her if she's on her period: Then just tell her lovingly that you know this is just because of the lady hormones and won't hold it against her.
4. Helpfully suggest she calm down: Sometimes, wives forget to calm down. One helpful reminder and all tempers will dissipate! You're a genius!
5. Make an excel spreadsheet so you can follow the argument better: Sometimes, arguments with your wife will branch off into multiple unexpected paths at once. Keep track so you can address each issue, and check it off your list as you do!
6. Remind her that the thing she just said sounds like something her mother would say: Also remind her that your mother never talks to you like this.
7. Threaten to boycott mowing the lawn: She might try to mow the lawn herself, but she won't be able to pull that crank start thingy. She'll realize just how essential you are!
8. Bring in all the kids and ask them to vote on who is right: This will also help you figure out which kids are on your side and which ones you need to keep an eye on.
There you have it! Enjoy many decades of a happy marriage!
NOT SATIRE: Do you need a marriage tune-up to keep your relationship on the right track? Or maybe things are going "okay" but you want it to be more than okay. To celebrate Father's Day, Marriage Helper is offering a free Marriage Tune-Up course. Sign up for our 3 part mini-course. It's free!