'I Just Think It's Important To Always Be Patient With Your Children,' Says Childless Little Jerk

COLUMBUS, OH—Believing that everyone must be waiting in anticipation, Josh Carson, a total dingbat who doesn't have kids, knew he needed to give his thoughts on parenting.

“I just think it’s important to always be patient with your children,” he said to a bunch of exhausted, wide-eyed parents. “Even though I don’t have children, I know that I would never raise my voice to them, no matter how loud or crazy they get. I mean, how crazy can they get anyway, haha,” he joked without a single laugh returned to him.

Carson, who is a complete waste of space, mentioned several times that he has a cactus at home and that thing requires a lot of attention so he feels confident in his thoughts on parenting. “Like, I’m really kind to my cactus. I’ve even apologized to my cactus! Parents don’t apologize enough to their kids and if I can apologize to my cactus because I swore at it, then you can apologize to your kids. Am I right, parents?”

Samantha, a parent of three, attempted to turn the conversation by asking another father, “Do you do timeouts?” But Carson, who is just a stinking braindead twerp, jumped right in. “Instead of timeouts, you should do what I would do if I did have kids. Punishment like timeouts has become too oppressive. Instead, I have four words for you: Behavioral. Realignment. Interpretive. Dance.”

At publishing time, sources confirmed Carson has neglected and killed over 14 Tamagotchis.

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